I accidentally burped into my bong.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
