No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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