I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
