I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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