either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
