I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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