I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
