i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
