your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
