Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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