1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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