Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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