Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
