just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize