90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
