I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
