He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize