I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
