Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
