I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
