the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize