You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
