Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
