I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The air taste purple.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize