im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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