I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
