seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
