she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
