listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
