that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
