Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize