the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
