Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
