Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm passing your future prison.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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