i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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