know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
