The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
