broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
