I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
