I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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