Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
