We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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