I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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