it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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