i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
