so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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