if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
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