Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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