life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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