having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
