I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
