I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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