bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
