There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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