i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
