I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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