I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
