I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
