He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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